I’ve had my fair share of spiritual obstacles [challenges] while dancing with the Universe. The only thing I am sure of, is I will have many more. I welcome the opportunity to transform and embrace expansion with my whole heart. I’m not fearful of surrendering destructive beliefs in exchange for new beliefs which will lead to the manifestation of all my hopes and dreams. While I was writing "Dancing with the Universe: A Journey from Spiritual Resistance to Spiritual Release" [release date: Sept 18, 2012] I was met with such a challenge. I knew my response to the Universe would determine whether I’d remain stuck due to resistance or flow [and move forward] in freedom due to my ability to release. Of course, I chose to flow, move forward, and be free.
While writing the Chapter entitled "Release Destructive Beliefs" I heard Spirit say, “YOUR fear of abandonment will manifest and lurk in every corner [of every intimate relationship] UNTIL YOU ABANDON IT! I stopped what I was doing and just sat there, pondering the words that had been whispered into my soul. I must admit I was blown away. Two words stood out: YOUR fear. My fear of abandonment will manifest, really? Had I truly been harboring a fear of abandonment? Was it manifesting in every intimate relationship? I never attempted to resist these words. I wrote them down [as I often do] and I just stared at them. In that same moment, I surrendered my ego and allowed my spirit to review my memories of past relationships. I didn’t have to go too far back before I answered the Universe with a resounding YES! I was harboring the fear of abandonment. Secretly, I went into every relationship expecting him to leave me and because I believed it, he did!
My fear remained disguised. As I dug deeper I realized it stem from a well hidden destructive belief. My earliest fear was the fear of abandonment because my mother gave me away at birth. In return, my hidden belief was that if the woman who brought me into this World could give me away and abandon me while still in the Hospital, then surely everyone else would abandon me too.
How could this happen when I am awake? Shouldn’t I have no more destructive beliefs? When I posed that question to the Universe, I think I heard God laugh out loud. Then I knew that only one who is consciously aware can uncover the truth behind a fear fueled by a hidden, destructive belief.
My belief had been hidden beneath the surface, but eventually uncovered, by my growing conscious awareness of my ability to release others with love. Why was I teaching myself how to release others that I truly loved? I'd spoken often about the ability to release all that can’t be held on too. However, I realized there is a difference between that which can’t be held on too and pushing away those who are trying to hold on to you. I had to admit that in cases where I had found my heart wide open to loving him completely, I would always offer him a way out. I would create internal circumstances which fueled self-defeating thought patterns that later became the catalyst to manifesting my fears. I would prepare myself to be abandoned by those I loved. Subconsciously, I would give them permission to leave me. My fear would begin to overpower my heart and spirit and ego would emerge and quietly join in with fear to announce, "it’s okay for you to leave me" [why not, even my mother left me at birth]. Then ego would relish in the resemblance of power and strength it took for me to set him free. Confident that we had avoided another broken heart, ego slips back into the shadows. Safe and secure. That was a close call. Heart break adverted.
I would go into the relationship "emotionally ready" to be abandoned and it would occur, because I believed it would. I would attract men who had unchallenged fears of their own with a predisposition to run. My relationships became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I knew you would leave me.
Why am I sharing my truth with you? Because we need to expose every destructive belief in order to truly release it. Until we can change what we believe, we will continue to meet a different man/woman and then experience the same disappointing outcome.
I realize some people come into my life expecting that because of who I am [and who I am becoming], I should have already ascended to a level beyond this on my journey. Sweetheart, I am not Buddha. I have never claimed to be the Enlightened One. I share what I know, as I grow. Get it? As I know, I grow, and I share. The only difference between me and you is: knowing, growing, and sharing may all be going on simultaneously within me because of my willingness to "surrender" to transformation [change] and my eagerness to embrace my Soul's expansion.
However, it does still trip me out when someone challenges me because I expressed emotions they obviously think I no longer have. Being consciously aware doesn't stop me from feeling negative emotions. Those of us who are awake learn how to identify who we are being in the moment. Our state of conscious awareness helps us to properly channel negative emotions and/or release them. I believe one of the reasons that our Radio Show [Becoming Who I Am] is so successful is because we enter that space as two women sharing our journey as we experience it.
I've often referred to myself as nothing more than a "Student Adviser." As a Student Adviser, I may know the “in's and out's” of the University. I may even be in a higher grade or taking a more challenging course than you, but I am still enrolled in School, just like you. So, don't you dare come into my life expecting that I've already graduated. You will be so disappointed if you believe that I never make mistakes, never feel stressed, or never experience fear. Know that my only advantage is what I am sharing with you now: conscious awareness.
I hope that this blog helps to raise your level of conscious awareness.
May you move forward with the ability to surrender to transformation and an eagerness to embrace your Soul's expansion by releasing every destructive belief which stems from unchallenged fear.